Today at Manhattan Infidel as part of my continuing series of exclusive interviews with popular public personages I am pleased to interview the current mayor of Gotham, his honor Michael Bloomberg, aka, the World’s Biggest Asshat (”WBA“).
MI: Good afternoon your Honor.
WBA: Thank you for having me here Manhattan Infidel.
MI: Before we start do you mind? I’m thirsty. [Takes a drink.] Man I love these 32-ounce big gulps. Especially on hot summer days.
WBA: Manhattan Infidel may I just say that what you are doing is breaking the law. 32-ounce so-called big gulps have been made illegal by my administration.
MI: Why? [Continues drinking.] Mm. This is refeshing.
WBA: It’s for the good of the people. We have an epidemic of obesity in America. Banning 32-ounce drinks could prevent thousands of obesity deaths.
MI: Since when is it your job to prevent people from dying? And what medical experts say that thousands of deaths could be prevented?
WBA: I’m not going to argue this point Manhattan Infidel. All intelligent people agree with this ban. Why even director Spike Lee agrees with me.
MI: Spike Lee? The man who tweeted the wrong address of George Zimmerman’s parents and made them go into hiding? Spike Lee? Really?
MI: So what’s it like being an asshat?
WBA: Manhattan Infidel, please. Let’s be civil.
MI: Okay. I can be civil. So what’s it like being the world’s biggest asshat?
WBA: Manhattan Infidel you have to look at the big picture. I’m concerned about my legacy. People must be forced to be healthy.
MI: Why stop at big gulps? Studies show that 100% of people who eat will one day die. Why not just ban food? Logically banning food will make us all live forever.
WBA: I’m way ahead of you. My administration is already working on a food-substitute called “Soylent Bloomberg.”
MI: Is it made out of people?
WBA: Yes. But non fat people. Soylent Bloomberg is healthy and nutritious.
MI: Okay. I’m sorry I brought this up. You were also quoted as saying, in light of the tragedy in Colorado, that police officers should “go on strike” and walk off the job and that they should refuse to protect us until, and I’m quoting, “the public, through their legislature, do what’s required to keep us safe.”
WBA: Yes, that’s correct. I said that.
MI: Wow. So….what’s it like being the universe’s biggest asshat?
WBA: Manhattan Infidel the job of government is to restrict choice.
MI: And you also have ordered baby formula locked up in City hospitals. Any mothers who ask for the formula are to be lectured that they should breastfeed instead. Is this true?
MI: The length and breadth of your asshatness truly knows no bounds.
WBA: Manhattan Infidel, please. I beg you to be serious….I…….can you please put that big gulp away? It’s distracting me.
MI: What? Oh this? This delicious 32-ounce big gulp?
WBA: Yes. It’s….it’s….it’s evil. It must be destroyed. Governments were created to destroy evil. It’s my job as mayor to rid our city of evil.
MI: You can’t take your eyes off my big gulp. I notice beads of sweat tricking down your forehead.
WBA: Please Manhattan Infidel, I beg you. I’m just a man. I have my limits. Take that evil from my sight!
MI: Mm. What a delicious big gulp. I love - [Mayor Bloomberg, aka “World’s Biggest Asshat” jumps over the table and attacks Manhattan Infidel.]
WBA: GIVE ME THE F#$#ING BIG GULP! I WANT TO DRINK IT!
MI: Here. Take it. Just get off me.
WBA: [Takes big gulp and drinks from it.] Mm. Oh yes. Yes. YES! God I love big gulps. I dream of its forbidden pleasure every waking moment. [He rips off his shirt and pants.] I want big gulp all over my body! [He pours the big gulp over his body and starts licking it off his flesh.] Feel it all over me! I want to swim in a bucket of big gulps.
MI: You have issues.
WBA: Oh god. Sorry about that.
MI: What’s that smell? Did you? Did you just defecate in my office?
WBA: I lose control of my bodily functions when I’m drinking a big gulp. I love it. Look at me! Look at my underwear!
MI: Do you have an erection?
WBA: Such filthy sensual pleasure. Oh god…….I’m releasing……..
MI: Did you just ejaculate? That’s disgusting. I’m not cleaning that up. I’m not going anywhere near your bodily fluids. Clean yourself up and get the hell out of my office.
WBA: I feel so cheap, dirty and degraded. But I can’t help myself. I love it. Oh, and cops should go on strike until gun control is passed.
And so ended my interview with the world’s, universe’s biggest asshat. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to find new office space. I can’t work in my old one anymore.
Original Post: Manhattan Infidel